I needed something to make me numb."I paused a moment and then I said, "I'm sorry Dennis."He looked like he was trying to think of something to say but I stopped him. "Don't say anything. I understand. I don't expect you to forgive me. I'm not asking you to. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I know you want me out of your life now. I don't know where to go."I put my head down on my arms then and cried quietly. I felt a hand on my head and I jumped, startled. I thought he had left the room.I sat up and without even looking up at him I said, "Don't touch me Dennis. I'm ... you know what I am now. You saw it. I'm ruined." I chuckled mirthlessly and said, "I'm broken. It's okay. I don't expect you to feel anything for me anymore."He pulled out the chair next to me and sat down. I suddenly noticed as he sat down that he had finally put his pants back on. I couldn't look him in the eye though. I was much too ashamed.We sat together in silence. But looking back I’m not even sure if liked him. He was hot, every girl wanted to be with him and he picked me… So I eventually thought that losing my virginity to him can’t possibly be a mistake. I remember thinking “Would you ever regret it?” But just as I was about to answer my own question, the outside voices rushed through my head telling me to go for it: “You’re so lucky!” “He’s the most attractive guy I know!” “He’s a keeper”. Unfortunately it was unsatisfying and painful. Since the experience disappointed me completely, eventually, I swore never to have sex again until the day I fall in love. I was 19 when I walked into that bar. It’s been a year since the unfortunate “incident”. I was with some girl friends and I was feeling and looking incredibly sexy. I have always been told that I was really attractive, but I never really believed it until I was in college. Maybe what made me so attractive was the fact that I was so hard to get? I didn’t know,.
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